Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
