I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
