My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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