It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
