I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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