Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
