Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
