It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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