woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
