Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
