Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
