Your face is a jimmy john
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
