I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
