at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
