I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
