i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
