I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
