I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
