i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The struggles of a small town man whore
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
