If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
