Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
