I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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