Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
