1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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