I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
