does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
