A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
