weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You did what with his pubic hair?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
