just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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