I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
