This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
