I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
