Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
They took my balls.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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