i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
