I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
