My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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