3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
