All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize