M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
