I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wish you could order shots online.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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