The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize