I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
