You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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