my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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