my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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