i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
