He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
