so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
