Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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