she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
