i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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