I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
