Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
