don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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