I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
