I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
