And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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