WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
