I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize