I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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