when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
