Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize